Sunday, December 11, 2011


For me perfection means having it all: love, beauty, brains, a fun personality, but today i realized i have no idea how to get there. Sometimes i jump back into the "i don't give a fuck" mindset, but the truth is i do care. I care a lot. I in no way want your pity, but I guess i am, for lack of better wording, "trying to find myself." Throughout my childhood life I was made fun of for my looks, my awkwardness, and my brains. I realized early on that being the nice, shy, attentive girl in the corner got me nowhere, yet it was hard to come out of that. It still is, but from then on I tried to better my looks. The theory was maybe i could look more like them i could in fact "fit in", have friends, maybe even develop a whole new confidence. Being a foreigner at an early age was hard for me. I was lost, so I examined people through movies, books, school. I guess i just wanted someone to talk to, some friends.
Well i did change. Eighth grade really was a boost. I found confidence, friends, i realized i was even kind of funny, but in the back of mind i felt inferior. I became that bitch that loves to hate, finds someones weaknesses and pounce. Always a confidence boost. I never wanted to become this hateful person. This one who is mean to everyone, but few. I realize i hurt people, but i felt-feel- power. That was something i have never felt before. I strive off of it, but to be honest i guess what really want is love. I know I may not be deserving, but I would like to feel wanted by someone. Today my mother told me "You may not like some things about me, and i don't like things about you, but we have to deal with it cause we are family". Deal with it. I guess that got me thinking... What's perfection and how do i get there, because i don't want to be dealt with i want to be wanted.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

My Weight Loss Struggle

I realize that nothing happens dramatically or drastically, and i have been successively losing weight for some odd weeks now, so why do I feel as if I am failing to reach my goal at all?
I maybe sticking to my workout routine, but my daily eating habits, although improved from before,have left me disappointed and weak. I have a strict food policy in which I allow myself to wake up with a cup of coffee and throughout they day i am aloud to eat meals from the different food groups, fruits and vegetables preferable in all meals i eat in a day.
Today i failed myself in that area, quiet frankly i have been weak-willed when it came to my food intakes for a while now, eating things like cereal (which i have come to realize is my Achilles heel), and sweets such as pies, cakes, and cookies. Granted I do not overload on such food, and completely cutting them from my diet is setting myself up for failure, i should not be eating these once a day no matter how small.
When I started this weight loss mission my goal was to lose 15 pounds and so far i have lost about 8. My exercise routine is one i follow everyday, yet i still cannot stop feeling guilty about these small, pleasurable, sweet foods.
I must stay strong. Self control is something that can be learned and will be learned. I just hope that the small set backs in food intakes i have had recently does not do to much damage to my weight loss goal.
I must keep motivated, and i must learn to say "No" the golden, magic words that will help me progress!
weigh in at 123
height 5'4