Sunday, December 11, 2011


For me perfection means having it all: love, beauty, brains, a fun personality, but today i realized i have no idea how to get there. Sometimes i jump back into the "i don't give a fuck" mindset, but the truth is i do care. I care a lot. I in no way want your pity, but I guess i am, for lack of better wording, "trying to find myself." Throughout my childhood life I was made fun of for my looks, my awkwardness, and my brains. I realized early on that being the nice, shy, attentive girl in the corner got me nowhere, yet it was hard to come out of that. It still is, but from then on I tried to better my looks. The theory was maybe i could look more like them i could in fact "fit in", have friends, maybe even develop a whole new confidence. Being a foreigner at an early age was hard for me. I was lost, so I examined people through movies, books, school. I guess i just wanted someone to talk to, some friends.
Well i did change. Eighth grade really was a boost. I found confidence, friends, i realized i was even kind of funny, but in the back of mind i felt inferior. I became that bitch that loves to hate, finds someones weaknesses and pounce. Always a confidence boost. I never wanted to become this hateful person. This one who is mean to everyone, but few. I realize i hurt people, but i felt-feel- power. That was something i have never felt before. I strive off of it, but to be honest i guess what really want is love. I know I may not be deserving, but I would like to feel wanted by someone. Today my mother told me "You may not like some things about me, and i don't like things about you, but we have to deal with it cause we are family". Deal with it. I guess that got me thinking... What's perfection and how do i get there, because i don't want to be dealt with i want to be wanted.

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